Waves of sunshine and drops of rain

I am not a poet.

...

but I wish I was.

I wish I could write in a beautiful way... in a way that only the voices in my head could understand the meaning behind it.

I wish I could tell of a world worthy for Mr. Beeson to clap

and it would be my terribly beautiful world.

I wish I could describe him in waves of sunshine and drops of rain.

and the way we stand too close to each other

or how his eyes look like the ocean.

I could explain to you his laugh only in pictures and movies and memories.

the way his eyes light up when he lies.

The smell of him reminds me of long, tiring nights.

nights I looked at the stars and they weren't the most beautiful thing I'd ever seen.

nights I could just go outside and dance and dance, never stopping.

My feet would never tire.

and I could spin and spin forever.

laughing.

They way he makes me dream and cry and laugh and look at myself in the mirror.

I dream of the moon and the way my head rests on his chest.

or the way a blanket of silence is the best for us to lay in during movies.

Just us, together.

Sometimes, I sit on my bed and stare out my window

when it's raining.

it reminds me of the floating feeling he gives me.

and the crushing sensation against my chest when he kills me with cruel heart.

and it reminds me of how much I wish I knew how wonderful kissing would feel on my lips.

running up the street.

standing at his corner.

times of the past.

I wish I could, somehow, explain to you our relationship.

the way nobody else understands it, but it feels so simple to me.

People look at me with pittying eyes but I would never wish their life upon myself.

I'm much better off.

We mock each other and he insults me more than he should.

but that's how it should be.

because it's me

and it's him.

we laugh together,

and he's the only boy that can make me laugh the way he does.

and I couldn't live without the way he makes me laugh.

on the days we don't talk, I miss his snide remarks and his rude comments and his [joking] insults. I miss it all.
Sometimes he's the sweetest boy in the whole world. Everything he says and everything he does just makes me fall in love with him.
but sometimes (mostly around his friends) he's arrogant and a little rude and he doensn't really care about my feelings or me in general.
yet I still love him.

You will never understand it.

I never understand it.
I don't understand how he can insult me so much, each word ripping and tearing at my healing heart, and I laugh.
I don't understand how I can still feel in love with him, even after his words still burn in my mind, and sometimes burn tears in my eyes.
I don't understand how he can make me feel so confused but at the same time feel like I know everything is right.
I don't understand why he never admits when he falls for me
or why he can never give me words of love or comfort.

Maybe it's because his green-blue eyes pierce me like shattered glass
and cut me like the knife he keeps behind his bed.
Maybe it's because I miss him when he's gone,
or when he's there and gone at the same time.
Maybe it's because I've known him for six years,
and loved him for four,
and he's become a part of me.
or maybe, I'm just crazy.

That's why I wish I was a poet.
So I could write in words so complex they are simple to comprehend.
I wish I was a poet.