Glitter on my chest.

There is a secret I can't tell anybody.

It bursts from within me, 

boiling my insides and

scratching on my heart.

It explodes out of me and 

immediately,

it turns to mist.

It must.

There is a secret I can't tell anybody.

Secret stolen words

being played on a harpsichord

or a harmonica.

Which one is it?

Both touch my heart,

either in a beautiful spring song

or the lamenting notes of the blues,

coaxing my soul to sleep.

There is a secret I can't tell anybody.

Hidden in each drop of whiskey as we sing.

I still do cling to your picture for dear life.

Desperately.

Or is it slipped into the screws of my sunglasses. and hanging onto the fragments of my cut off jeans.

Seventeen. Seventeen.

Sixteen.

There is a secret I can't tell anybody. It's hidden in the way I feel when you touch my arm. 

In between my heart strings when you hug me,

long.

Or the feeling deep down in the shank of my soul

when we say

screw you.

screw me.

screw us both. 

and we'll both go to Hell.

Maybe for this secret,

maybe just to stay in love.

Can we please?

Stay in this raging sea?

There is a secret I can't tell anybody.

I will not tell a soul.

For if I do, I will only be causing the damnation of myself and this incarnate heart of mind.

But, I fear, I must talk to you about it. If I don't I will explode

and you will live with my guts on your face and my pulsating heart in the depth of your hand.

But, 

I'm afraid if I do tell you my precious thoughts,

being vulnerable,

you will turn your back. 

Like you usually do.

Like a bad habit.

Shatter it against the wall.

And you know I'm not the best guard of secrets.

Help me.

There is a secret I can't tell anybody.

Blinded by a Memory

I’m trapped inside this haunted mind of mine.

Everywhere I turn, you and I dance.

I still can feel how our hands intertwine.

It’s so hard to love the master of chance.

The pieces to our game of scrabble, scattered.

Broken hearted, I am, and torn inside.

If only, to you, my feelings seemed to matter.

Break all the rules you pretend to abide.

The guidelines to your game seem ever changing,

But the creator of the game is blinding.

And actions speak louder than the words you’re exchanging.

I’m done, I’m sick of all of your lying.

But forget all my words before these last,

Just come back to me, and please run back fast. 

Seven Aces

And who would've guessed we'd all be thick as thieves?
forever was never beheld in our juvenile eyes.
These six years, through friendship, the world we seized.

Us, blocks apart, who knew, on summer's eves?
Because maybe fate had a plan to sneakily devise.
And who would've guessed we'd all be thick as thieves?

By chance, we united under changing leaves,
A forever closeness that many come to despise.
These six years, through friendship, the world we seized.

During mockery from others to one another we cleave.
and through harsh quarrels love would somehow rise.
And who would've guessed we'd all be thick as thieves?

But some may come and corrupt, and many soon leave
and sometimes we're deaf to each other's tumultuous cries.
These six years, through friendship, the world we seized.


Does it have to end? will I be forced to grieve? 
Be forced to say all those poignant goodbyes?
and who would've guessed we'd all be thick as thieves?
These six years, through friendship, the world we seized. 

Winter's Lament

Near, an icy pond

calls me with such bitterness

to taunt summers warmth.

You still fight for the weak... That is why you lose

I almost had my first kiss once.

Almost. 

It was on a cold December night and thick pure snowflakes were falling.

Falling to be caught on my golden hair, or in his, slightly darker.

I stepped back into the shelter of my front porch

but not into my warm house, oh no. I was a prisoner.

Locked out and befriended by the cold winter.

But it was fine, because I was with him, but not perfect because we were both alone.

He, shooting hoops and me, waiting patiently and admirably.

So admirably.

In my eyes, everything he did was wonderful and exciting.

Worry filled me n the fact that something was off and something was on his mind. 

Was it me? couldn't be. Maybe.

The frozen basketball rolled smoothly, almost practiced, off his hand.

and in his stiff voice he mouthed the need to come inside.

I shouldn't have left. I should have stayed and waited only 30 seconds... 45 seconds...a minute longer.

But, like most people, I fear the airiness of awkwardness

and the moments that you stand before a person and draw a blank and have not a word to say.

I feared it and I turned my back.

It could've been perfect. It would have been perfect.

had I just opened my eyes and seen, because I didn't see.

Looking back now, I see.

My first kiss was close.

So close.

So painfully close it taunts me.

It taunts me when I'm siting alone, pondering. 

When I'm alone with him and we talk about htings.

When my friend bring up their magical firs kisses.

When I remember the fact that I still love him, after all these years.

When his hand lightly touches mine or accidentally brushes my back and I realize, it could've been so much more.

But mostly, it taunts me on cold winter nights

when he heavy white snow is lightly falling, catching in my golden hair or landing on his, slightly darker. 

Gentleman

Gently, he speaks and is so kind,
Engulfed in you and only you, never is he blind.
Naturally, you fall completely in love with him.
Tell me, is her one out there for me, that has his perfect grin?
Lately, it really doesn't seem so. Men just keep their hearts shut.
Everywhere I go, men are pigs and dogs and jerks. But,
Maybe, just maybe, there's a guy out there wishing for me.
Any day now he will come and sweep me off my feet.
Now, I just have to wait, dealing with he imbeciles I see.

Love is a Battlefield

This house we fool around in, beloved.

this crumbled, shattered, defiled old home

is one of memories I felt true love in.

And winds of change I fear it gone with old.

The sun with awful purpose is setting.

I beg, please stay, just a while longer.

The destructive rain seems to you, abetting

I remember when you looked at me much fonder.

Without that ruined, abandoned, white house

just how will I remember how this started? 

All on that roof, you and I, friends about

I released my love for you, once guarded.

But now, you and your fickle heart forget me

and I still love you, and cry in memory. 

That Should Be Me

The way she tosses her hair

disgusts me.

And when you place your hand on hers

I rage

and I cry

because, at one time, your hands were for me.

Never hers.

Not to hold.

And the way you give her all your attention

leaving me in the winder rain or the sooty snow,

infuriating. 

She laughs her fake, all too friendly laugh

and you smile,

but your eyes glance my way,

like always,

confusing me even more, and you know.

I know you know. Then in unison, 

you both stand and she walks two paces ahead,

but just enough for you to 

rest your hand where it shouldn't be. 

She turns and smiles, lie you  just said something funny.

She flirts in a way that makes me want to pick my eyes out 

and peel my skin off.

and pull all my hair our piece by piece.

Everything is wrong.

Like Hermione loving Harry. 

Like a Honey and Jelly sandwich.

Socks with sandals.

Chicken nuggets on pizza,

pr playing the super bowl with a tennis ball.

They don't go.

yes, 

you can try but it wont feel right.

There's always something better,

maybe even something you've known before 

right in front of your face.

and I can tell that

in the back of your mind, you know it too.

Because you glance back and look at me walking away

and I'm hurting because she's where I want to be

and where I used to be

and where I should be.

Disgusting. 

Drops of Heaven

It was pouring rain tonight-

Crashing and colliding with the street-

In almost an amorous way, yearning me to go dance.

Little drops of crystal heaven sprinkling down-

from the heavens showering this undeserving Earth-

with tears of the soul. A little girl blissfully-

steps on  a glassy puddle of eternity separating the raindrops-

only for a little while. An arch of colors reflecting out a piece of heaven for this undeserving world-

to subconsciously admire.

Eternal Listener

I am a girl's best friend.

She pours all her thoughts, feelings, secrets, and treasured moments out to me

and I always listen.

I must.

Then she leaves me alone for a while.

I sit on a ledge high as heaven, it seems, waiting impatiently, 

and even though it's been a while since I've heard from her, 

I listen once more,

Because she trusts me. 

And occasionally, I tell her the things she  said and has long since forgotten, back to her, 

in times that she is joyous, tearful, or feeling drowned by a wave of nostalgia.

I've caught her tears and made her smile and laugh, only in remembrance. 

I watch her grow up and hen, 

on the happiest day of her life,

She solemnly lays me in a brown box and puts me in the dark 

without the need of my eternal memory

and leaves me until the heavens will open again.

Sideways World

Everyone has the potential to be

a candidate of four through 23.

so jump on a plane

leave your flashbacks behind

you'll never guess what you're going to find.
Fresh water, a signal, a lie or two.
A monster, a bear, a love that's true.
a hatch, some guns, food from heaven
an initiative built in '77.
Some cages, a soul mate, a huge Tawrete statue.
4, 8, 15, 16, 23, 42.
A sickness, some others, a donkey wheel.
You'll skip through time but never without a meal.
You'll gain some skills and a couple good friends
and find your one soul mate whose love never ends.
So come and join us on flight 815
and find out who you could truly be.

I left a penny on the ground

And just like that I'm out of luck.

I close my eyes and hope you'll see.

But you drove away in your navy blue truck.

Why, on you, is my heart stuck?

I hoped this time you wouldn't flee.

and just like that I"m out of luck.

I hoped you'd stay, that you were stuck 

at my house with only me,

but you drove away in your navy blue truck.

Please remember times we ran amuck.

and our foolish love was all we'd need.

and just like that, I'm out of luck.

High school parking lot, in you snuck.

drove by me, and paused, staring, waiting,

but you drove away in your navy blue truck. 

You've got me, I'm so, so love struck.

and you're an unsolvable mystery.

and just like that I'm out of luck,

but you drove away in your navy blue truck.  

Sixteen

When the clock reads 10:18

and the lonely smile is still stretched across your face.
and the world seems to question where you've been.
and you cant forget this adolescent place.
When the moment seems to come, and wistfully passes.
And the only thing you want flies by.
And you reach for it, fragile as a million glasses.
And watch it disappear into the sky.

When the heat of the sun can’t compare to heat within you
And you wish you could forget this abhorrent feeling.
When you have to question the loyalty of two
And, can’t they see they’re so revealing.
When the one can’t see, from him, your heart is healing.
So he rips and tears it more, unfeeling.
And you are left to beg for mercy, kneeling.
But he ignores you and just takes more, stealing.
 

When enclosed spaces and awkward silence sitting.

And what did I do wrongs and much confusion.

And are you just another thing he’s quitting?

Caught up in this enamoring illusion

And in this web of lies you seem embedded.

But you still look at him with hopeful eyes

To prove them wrong and not do what you dreaded

And it’s to one of you, but whom? he lies.

He hides his secrets while lying by your side.

Sharing a blanket, appearing you two abed.

He seems so happy, something must have died.

A little spark of truth inside him, fled.

And then he leaves without a gentle kiss

Or a moonstruck text that simply says, “Come back.”

And friends tell you his hopeless words you missed

And suddenly your special day turns black.

So here’s when 11:11 wishes don’t work.

And “starlight star bright” burns out.

When shooting stars only make it hurt.

And birthday candle wishes seem to doubt.

Look to your Savoir, he will bring you comfort and peace.

There is reason, there is no incidence

Your Heavenly Father’s care and love will never cease.

It’s hard, but there is reason. Never just coincidence



I imagine things

The moment your world crashes around you, is the moment you don't realize it.

you hear it, the truth.

but you don't know it at first. 

denial. 

The most beautifully ignorant word in the English language.

Then it begins to phase you, the truth does.

you begin to think of all the possible situations. 

and what could lead to what.

If it's a text, you read it a million times.

If it was words or actions, you remember it a million times.

and then you get that weird, odd feeling.

Where your whole body gets cold and shivers, but seems scalding hot inside, at the same exact time.

You get goose bumps.

You get that feeling that most people get while riding the tower of terror. 

Free falling for 13 stories.

like you're going to throw up your own stomach.

Then it feels like some monstrous creature is inside of you, ripping at your heart, angry and jealous and wishing so badly that it could cry.

Taking it all out on your poor fragile heart.
You feel hopless.
Like floating in the air, just waiting to fall.
Knowing it will come, inevitably.
and you're never good enough.
No matter what you do or try to accomplish.
There comes a time where people get to used to you.
take you for granted.
want something different.
something more.
not you.
and you're just never enough.

Waves of sunshine and drops of rain

I am not a poet.

...

but I wish I was.

I wish I could write in a beautiful way... in a way that only the voices in my head could understand the meaning behind it.

I wish I could tell of a world worthy for Mr. Beeson to clap

and it would be my terribly beautiful world.

I wish I could describe him in waves of sunshine and drops of rain.

and the way we stand too close to each other

or how his eyes look like the ocean.

I could explain to you his laugh only in pictures and movies and memories.

the way his eyes light up when he lies.

The smell of him reminds me of long, tiring nights.

nights I looked at the stars and they weren't the most beautiful thing I'd ever seen.

nights I could just go outside and dance and dance, never stopping.

My feet would never tire.

and I could spin and spin forever.

laughing.

They way he makes me dream and cry and laugh and look at myself in the mirror.

I dream of the moon and the way my head rests on his chest.

or the way a blanket of silence is the best for us to lay in during movies.

Just us, together.

Sometimes, I sit on my bed and stare out my window

when it's raining.

it reminds me of the floating feeling he gives me.

and the crushing sensation against my chest when he kills me with cruel heart.

and it reminds me of how much I wish I knew how wonderful kissing would feel on my lips.

running up the street.

standing at his corner.

times of the past.

I wish I could, somehow, explain to you our relationship.

the way nobody else understands it, but it feels so simple to me.

People look at me with pittying eyes but I would never wish their life upon myself.

I'm much better off.

We mock each other and he insults me more than he should.

but that's how it should be.

because it's me

and it's him.

we laugh together,

and he's the only boy that can make me laugh the way he does.

and I couldn't live without the way he makes me laugh.

on the days we don't talk, I miss his snide remarks and his rude comments and his [joking] insults. I miss it all.
Sometimes he's the sweetest boy in the whole world. Everything he says and everything he does just makes me fall in love with him.
but sometimes (mostly around his friends) he's arrogant and a little rude and he doensn't really care about my feelings or me in general.
yet I still love him.

You will never understand it.

I never understand it.
I don't understand how he can insult me so much, each word ripping and tearing at my healing heart, and I laugh.
I don't understand how I can still feel in love with him, even after his words still burn in my mind, and sometimes burn tears in my eyes.
I don't understand how he can make me feel so confused but at the same time feel like I know everything is right.
I don't understand why he never admits when he falls for me
or why he can never give me words of love or comfort.

Maybe it's because his green-blue eyes pierce me like shattered glass
and cut me like the knife he keeps behind his bed.
Maybe it's because I miss him when he's gone,
or when he's there and gone at the same time.
Maybe it's because I've known him for six years,
and loved him for four,
and he's become a part of me.
or maybe, I'm just crazy.

That's why I wish I was a poet.
So I could write in words so complex they are simple to comprehend.
I wish I was a poet.